Alone or Together: The Dilemma of Modern Relationships and Society
Are we better together, or alone?
These days, it seems like every time I get on social media, there’s another post from someone talking about how they’ve left their spouse or partner in order to find their true self, or a person who is spending time with their family of choice rather than family of birth, or a person who is de-committing to an organization or institution to instead go it alone.
We are in the midst of an age of anti-institutionalism, where nary an organization or establishment can be trusted—and for good reason. From the Catholic Church, the Southern Baptist Convention, and Police Departments across America, there are countless examples of institutions seeking to protect themselves rather than do the right thing. In light of such realities, many have questioned the legitimacy of these organizations themselves, whether formal or informal, with many Christians and former Christians questioning even the value of church in general. With this extreme anti-institutionalist bent, it seems to me that we’ve reached the point that the only “institution” that really matters is the self; me, myself, and I.
In many ways, our current cultural context is well-suited for this, as we all have, through the power of social media, the ability to establish our own brands, identity, and personas through apps like Instagram, Tik Tok, etc. In recent weeks, there has been conversation about banning Tik Tok in the states for reasons of national security. Unsurprisingly, even other social media platforms are filled with rage against such an idea. In our age of the institution of “I,” any move that could be seen as a threat or limitation to an individual’s opportunity to be unique and incomparable would be poorly received.
Obviously, there are good things that have come as a result of such societal trends. Women are far less likely to stay in abuse relationships—and society is far more willing to encourage and accept their right to do so—rather than continue to risk harm to themselves for the sake of the relationship (or institution of marriage). Similarly, the previously mentioned scandals in the Catholic Church for instance came at the expense of innocent, vulnerable children. Meaning, maintaining institutional strength does often come at the very real expense of others, and often these others are those with less power and privilege (women and children as seen in these two examples). Yet, when the individual is seen as the preeminent, what are the broader costs to these other “institutions” like the relationship, the family, and even the society at large?
Let me again re-affirm that I do not want to suggest that I would support or require an individual staying in an abusive or toxic relationship. But I wonder, as we are in a time where I am myself the most important and esteemed institution, there is an inherent contradiction, in that any relationship, family, or society requires some amount of acceptance of difficulty or even sacrifice. In a relationship for instance, I’m going to have to do things not only for myself, but for my significant other. In a family, I’m going to have to do things I may not be thrilled about doing, like a family dinner or holiday celebration. In our liberal democracy (and I mean that in the most academic sense), functional governance only comes through collaborating and compromise with others we may not like (which is exactly why we’re struggling so much right now to have a functional government).
Recently I heard on a podcast that 25% of families now choosing to homeschool their children are doing so because they think schools are too conservative. Homeschooling, which was once a bastion of conservative Christian families, is now apparently shifting somewhat considerably to also include those who identify on the left politically. And, this is the irony I’m trying to emphasize; these actions (while understandable) are weakening the local public schools (institutions) who likely depend on per-pupil funding. For many years, progressives in America have been wary of efforts of conservatives to weaken and diminish the institution of public schooling in America by way of charter schools, vouchers, etc. Yet, now many are seemingly doing the very same thing (weakening public schools) because rather than participate in the broader society, they choose to go it alone.
Again, my head sort of spins as I think about how mercilessly conservative families have been ridiculed for pulling kids out of public schools, rather than trusting their own ability to teach and influence their children—fearing instead the “godless” influence of these “state run” schools. Now it seems many progressive families are doing the same thing, though instead of fearing Critical Race Theory, they are fearing Creationism (okay, not really, I was going for some alliteration). Even the idea of public schooling is based on the idea that it benefits society as a whole, and that society depends on people learning together, in common, to benefit not just the individual, but the whole.
So, I sort of just wonder, where do we go from here? Will our culture continue to diminish the importance of relationships and community? Or will there be some recalibrating as people begin to realize that maybe we do need people in our lives? That maybe, being in a relationship, even though the other person isn’t perfect, does add some richness to our lives? That family, as awkward and dysfunctional as they can be, do provide us with a foundation and a grounding that we actually do need? That society, as much as people can be difficult and disagreeable, are essential to humanity’s common flourishing?
In no way to I want to suggest that people should permit abuse and trauma for the sake of relationships, family, or institutions. But, I am of the opinion that existing in relationship to other humans will always and inevitably bring about some amount of disfunction and difficulty. This is simply part of the human experience. And, I would dare to say that we are better for it. For, in my opinion the alternative is much worse; individuals, all living alone, all looking out for themselves only, only willing to operate in transactional, give-and-take encounters which we only enter into for equal exchanges, where sex and child-rearing and co-habitating are simply about what we can get out of the encounter—furthering our own pleasure, our own progeny, our own economic viability.
I do not want to live in a world that sacrifices the individual for the sake of the institution. But neither do I want to live in a world that sacrifices the institution for the sake of the individual. We must find a middle ground, one in which we recognize the value, worth, and safety of individual persons and also where we treasure the wisdom, tradition, and grounding that comes from institutions such as relationships, family, and even church. For all the good that has come through the examining and critiquing of relationships, I fear swinging the pendulum too far (and I’d argue it’s already too far) will have similar potentially devastating consequences.